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normtodd last won the day on March 24 2011

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About normtodd

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Born at the same soundstage in 1972 where they faked the moon landings, Jack Secret was quickly snatched from his surrogate mother's arms by Secret Service agents and whisked off to the maternal care of Sandoz Laboratories in Switzerland.


It was here, under the watchful eye of a young Stephen Hawking, that Jack began his life. Having turned down an offer by the Tibetan religious elite for Jack to be the next Dalai Lama, Dr. Hawking moved him to a mountain retreat in Austria for extensive training. Home-taught by a corps of celebrities, philosophers and British Airways stewardesses, Jack was finger painting in Cubism by four, fluent in Swahili by six, and Timothy Leary's personal archivist and traveling secretary by nine.


Never breaking stride in his accomplishments, Jack was sent to the Albert Einstein Grammar School of Micronesia so he could truly excel. Soon after, on a scholarship from a Japanese whaling company, Jack attended the University of Grenada where he majored in Eco-Terrorism with an emphasis on clear-cutting and bald eagle assassination.


With college behind him, Jack caught a ride on a mail barge to the island of Puerto Rico where he landed a job at the Bacardi Rum factory as their premier product development engineer. It was at this position that Jack came up with the idea for flavored vodka, selling the patent to Absolut for a small but tidy profit. (Stoli is currently suing Mr. Secret claiming the company paid off his $900,000 Palms Casino bar tab in exchange for the patent).


Jack currently resides in Los Angeles where in between working as an exec in Hollywood, he teaches Henna tattooing and glass blowing. His weekly column in SOLDIER OF FORTUNE magazine; "Life As A Commando In Hollywood", is available on newsstands.

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